Hello God.
Hello Edward.
I’m recording tonight. Feeling like I could use a bit of coaching around it.
Good. What specifically do you want coaching around?
How to create and maintain a positive focus, positive energy that will infuse the recording. I want to go in there tonight feeling the way I have felt off and on about the project – that sense of utter rightness. I don’t have that feeling right now. I’m caught up a bit in the questioning, the doubt. So I’d like your thoughts on how to get back to that place.
How did you get there before?
I don’t know. It just happened. I was just there. And it felt great!
And why aren’t you there now?
Again, I’m not sure. Probably because I’m thinking about it too much. I feel like I haven’t prepared adequately for the recording session. I feel like the script still needs work, that I still need to work on my delivery, etc.
Does the script need work?
Oh I’m sure I could work on the script forever! But that’s exactly what I don’t want. And one of the most important points I make in the script is about active learning, about getting out into the world and learning by doing, learning by engaging. I could work on the script until it was “perfect” but that’s not active learning. That’s hiding. That’s avoiding the world. I want to be out there. I want to share this with others.
You sound a bit frustrated.
Hello God.
Hello Edward.
I’m recording tonight. Feeling like I could use a bit of coaching around it.
Good. What specifically do you want coaching around?
How to create and maintain a positive focus, positive energy that will infuse the recording. I want to go in there tonight feeling the way I have felt off and on about the project – that sense of utter rightness. I don’t have that feeling right now. I’m caught up a bit in the questioning, the doubt. So I’d like your thoughts on how to get back to that place.
How did you get there before?
I don’t know. It just happened. I was just there. And it felt great!
And why aren’t you there now?
Again, I’m not sure. Probably because I’m thinking about it too much. I feel like I haven’t prepared adequately for the recording session. I feel like the script still needs work, that I still need to work on my delivery, etc.
Does the script need work?
Oh I’m sure I could work on the script forever! But that’s exactly what I don’t want. And one of the most important points I make in the script is about active learning, about getting out into the world and learning by doing, learning by engaging. I could work on the script until it was “perfect” but that’s not active learning. That’s hiding. That’s avoiding the world. I want to be out there. I want to share this with others.
You sound a bit frustrated.
I think you’re right. I’m frustrated at myself that this is taking so long.
What?
Getting this audio series out into the world.
And what is behind that frustration?
How did you get to be so good?
I’m God.
Oh yeah, right! Yes, there is frustration behind that. The frustration of having spent this much of my life in hiding. Hiding my true self, hiding my gifts. And now that I’m ready to come out of hiding, I feel impatient. I want it to happen now. I want it to happen sooner than now!
Can I offer a suggestion?
Of course.
Breathe.
And how did I know that was what you would suggest?
Because you are incredibly intelligent!
Thank you. Although I sense just a bit of sarcasm in there.
Just a bit. Although you are incredibly intelligent. You just sometimes forget.
That is pretty accurate. Ok. Let me breathe for a moment and see what happens.
…..
Well, it’s better, though there is still some pressure in my head and I still can’t breathe deeply. And I’m noticing a strong undercurrent of deep sadness. I don’t know what it’s about, but it’s threatening to come up fully into my consciousness.
And you don’t want it?
Not particularly.
Why?
I feel like I’ve been there before. It’s sort of “been there, done that” feeling. Why should I go into that sadness if nothing new will come out of it?
When you have gone into that sadness before, has nothing new come out of it?
There has usually been something new, whether a new insight, or a new openness, or a new sense of lightness.
So what makes you think that this time would be different?
I think what it comes down to is that I’m just resisting it. I just don’t want to go there. And yet, I can feel the heaviness in my body. . . And there it is: the silent scream. It makes me feel so helpless, so powerless. It’s as if every cell in my body is screaming out for something and no sound can come, just silence. Screaming in a vacuum creates no sound. There is no resistance. It’s very unsatisfying. . . Well that was interesting. The coach across the hall from me just knocked on the door. She fell into a tree and had a thorn sticking into her back. I helped her get it out. Should I read anything into the timing of that God?
There are no coincidences.
I know. You’re fond of reminding me that. And now you’ve got my mind going all over the place trying to figure out the significance.
You won’t figure it out with your mind. You will understand it from your place of inner wisdom. Breathe and go there.
Well I don’t have complete clarity, but I’ll share with you what I got. There is significance in the timing, coming as it did when I was realizing how unsatisfying that silent scream is. There is significance also in the fact that the thorn was a the level of her heart. Beyond that I am unclear. Oh, wait, it’s what I’ve been writing about in the script. That thorn was an external source of motion, an external catalyst. The timing was very clearly showing me that I have a choice. I can choose to acknowledge that I have a need to voice some of the grief within me, or I can choose to deny that truth and wait until some external, painful experience catalyzes that expression.
Very good. And what do you choose?
I choose to consciously give voice to the grief that lives inside me. I choose to take this step with intention rather than waiting for an external event to push me through my resistance. And here’s another insight. Because I’m acknowledging this need, and stating my willingness and desire to do this, I feel sure that I can choose the time and place. I don’t have to do it now. Because doing it now feels like it would impact my ability to record this evening. I feel like I can choose to do it later in the week. And that ability to choose feels wonderfully freeing.
Excellent.
Yes. I am free to be light and joyful now, knowing that I have committed to opening to and releasing some of the grief that lives inside me.
And will you be with others when you do this?
It doesn’t seem like it matters. I will let people know that I am doing it, and if anyone wants to come with me I will gratefully accept their presence. But I don’t feel the need for companionship. I do see myself at the ocean, releasing this to her vastness.
Hmm, that sounds good. And, of course, I will be there as well.
You always are.
Yes, indeed, I am.
God, is this too “out there” for me to post? That voice has come up again and I don’t know what to do with it.
Edward, all of what we talk about is too “out there” for many people. But you are not posting this for many people. You are posting this for those who might benefit from it. And if this is somehow helpful to even one person it will be worth it.
It just, again, seems hard to believe that my struggles could somehow be of benefit to even one person.
It is your struggles, yes, and also your successes. It is the manner in which you approach your struggles that lights up these words and brings hope to those who read them.
Thank you for saying that. I had not considered it in that way. I think I will probably continue to need some encouragement around this for some time to come.
And I will continue to encourage you for as long as you need.
Thank you.
You are very welcome.
Well, once again, we traveled pretty far from where we began. And yet, as always, I feel as if I have gotten what I asked for. I feel more clear, more light, more full of joy and more excited about this evening’s recording session.
I’m glad. And remember; I will be with you tonight. If you let me help you I will.
I so want your help. I so want these programs to be your words, not mine.
These programs will be both yours and mine, for that is the way of this world. There is no way that they can be anything other than both of ours. Do not give away your power by thinking they are just mine. And do not, in your mind, diminish my power by thinking they are just yours. Find the balance that is the truth and OUR words shall be spoken.
Wow. That feels great. I just hope I can hold onto that.
You can.
Yes, I know I can. I hope I will.
You will.
Thank you. I will! And I will see you later tonight.
I look forward to it.
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