Coaching with God: September 21, 2005

Hello God.

Hello Edward.

I want to talk with you about this tendency I have to test myself and, at least until quite recently, wonder why You are testing me.

Sounds like an interesting topic.

Yes. I want to thank you for the conversation we had last night. It’s good for me to get clear that it’s NOT you testing me, that it is my own, inner… something, that’s creating this.

I don’t test you. I support you. I hold you. I provide you with everything you desire.

So obviously since I’m not getting what I say I desire, I must, on some level, not desire it.

True.

I think it would be helpful to talk in specific terms.

That can often lead to more clarity.

Hello God.

Hello Edward.

I want to talk with you about this tendency I have to test myself and, at least until quite recently, wonder why You are testing me.

Sounds like an interesting topic.

Yes. I want to thank you for the conversation we had last night. It’s good for me to get clear that it’s NOT you testing me, that it is my own, inner… something, that’s creating this.

I don’t test you. I support you. I hold you. I provide you with everything you desire.

So obviously since I’m not getting what I say I desire, I must, on some level, not desire it.

True.

I think it would be helpful to talk in specific terms.

That can often lead to more clarity.

Good. The testing I seem to be putting myself through now is around money. In the past year, as I’ve been building my business, and creating these new programs, I’ve managed to run my credit cards way up. I certainly have not gone about building my business in the manner that I would recommend to my clients.

And how does that make you feel?

A bit embarrassed. It’s as if I should know better. I DO know better, and yet I still did it.

And how does the thought of letting people know this feel?

Vulnerable. Scary. I feel like it will prove to anyone who reads this, once and for all, that I’m a big phony.

Are you?

A part of me must feel that way.

Are you?

No. I’m doing good work in the world.

Indeed you are. Does having a bit of debt make you a phony?

I suppose not.

If it did there would be quite a few phonies running around out there.

True enough.

But we’re talking about the way in which you are testing yourself. Please elaborate.

I’ve caught myself saying, ostensibly to you, that when I max out my credit cards I’m done, I’m throwing in the towel with this work I’m doing and going to get a full-time job. And now I find myself pretty darn close to that place, and at the same time, I find myself in the place of feeling so good about the work I’m doing now. I feel like I’m finally getting it: getting the work I’m meant to bring to the world. Getting it and doing it. I can’t imagine giving up now, and yet, I absolutely have to begin creating more income.

Really?

What do you mean?

Do you really have to create more income?

It sure feels like I do.

Let me ask you the same question you often ask your clients: if you did not have to worry about money, you had all the money you would ever need, what would you do?

I would do almost exactly what I am doing, except that I would hire a bunch of people to do the stuff I don’t particularly enjoy.

Like what?

Bookkeeping, admin work, web design and construction, marketing, etc.

And what would you do?

I would spend more time writing and creating new audio programs. I would have more time to focus on creating a book proposal. I would connect with more people as colleagues and friends. I would do more talks.

Nothing in there about coaching.

No, I don’t think I would do any additional private coaching, although I would probably teach more, and do more teleclasses. Although with the addition of Life Black Belt to the mix of what I’m already doing, that might not happen.

I just noticed something flash across the radar screen. What was it?

A recognition that I’m really not supposed to be doing this business evolution coaching group.

Why is that?

Because I’ve found my core offering with the Personal Evolution Toolbox and Life Black Belt. That blip you saw on the radar screen was the realization that by offering this group, I’m actually distracting myself from those offerings. This group was a way to keep me from being fully present with the things I’m supposed to be creating. And I use the phrase “supposed to” in a positive way here, not in an obligatory way.

I’m glad you’re realizing this.

Me too. Of course it puts me in an uncomfortable position.

Why?

Two reasons. First I have to now decide if I’m going to move forward with the group or cancel it. And then, if I cancel it I have to, again, figure out how to make some money.

I just want to remind you here that you often remind your clients that it’s not about figuring it out, it’s about allowing it in.

Yes, thank you.

You’re welcome.

Can I ask for your input on this group? Should I move forward with it, or cancel it?

What does it feel like?

It gets back to that place inside of me that wants to do everything. It feels like really good work. It feels like really important work. And it feels like a burden because it would take time away from what I really want to do.

So I’ll ask you, if you did not have to worry about money, would you offer this group?

No.

That’s pretty clear.

Yes.

How does it feel when you consider letting go of this group?

There’s a sense of relief, and an opening up. There’s actually a pretty significant increase in the energy flowing through me.

That sounds like a good thing.

Indeed it does. But if I do let go of this group, I will definitely need your help in creating more income.

Again. Let go of needing to create income. Focus on getting your work out in the world and let me handle the details.

And by details, you mean money.

Yes. Among other things.

I just have to say that, even with the clarity I just experienced, it’s very difficult to let go of this group.

What gets in the way?

A sense of letting people down. A sense that I’ve failed. A sense that no one else can do this work the way I can.

Well lets start by looking at the last one. It’s true actually. No one can do this work the way you can. And, that doesn’t mean that you have to do everything.

I get that. It’s just hard to get it on a deep level.

Homework for you. Now, as for the first two, letting people down and failing, why don’t you take a stab at debunking those thoughts.

Well, when I shift my perspective to the inner world, this is obviously not a failure. In fact it’s quite a significant victory. I’ve gotten much more clear about what I want to do.

Great. And letting people down?

I’m not sure that it’s actually about letting people down. It feels like it circles right back to where we started, that feeling that I’m a phony. There’s a part of me that dreads having to cancel it because it will surely prove that I’m a fake.

And once again, I’ll ask you, are you a fake?

No.

Good. And what can you do to remember that, to integrate on a deep level?

I can create an affirmation to remind me that I’m doing good work in the world, that I’m offering my services and products from a place of high integrity, that I’m doing my best to walk my talk and use the very tools and techniques that I am offering to others.

What just came up for you?

It’s about service and self-transformation. They are inseparable. The more fully you are willing to be in service, the more opportunity you have for self transformation. And, the more you transform yourself, the more fully you are able to serve the world. You can’t split them up. You can’t say I am serving, or I am transforming myself, they’re the same.

I do believe you’re getting it.

Yes. I do believe I am getting it. It’s so much deeper than I imagined. And yet so simple. Self and Service cannot be separated. At least not when you drop down into the deeper levels. I’m going to go sit with this for a while. I’m sure we’ll be having some interesting sessions about this in the near future.

I look forward to it.

Thank you God.

You’ve very welcome. And thank you Edward.

You’re welcome.